The List of Good Things

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I’m feeling eternally optimistic today. I can’t say the same for yesterday however, I was stressed and tired, but today. Today I am writing a list of good things that I am looking forward to.

I’m an OCD, ADHD, control freak. *coughs* I love my lists. I have TONS of them. I make lists for my chores, lists for my goals in life, and looooong to-do-lists that I follow religiously.

Therefore it only makes sense that I should have a list of good things. Of course, I have a few lists of horrible-just-plain-awful-renya-dupe-lists too. (Don’t ask about the renya dupe, it’s something from my fantasy world) BUT today is not a day for a list of horrible-just-plain-awful-renya-dupe-things. Today is a day for a life-is-amazing-and-the-stars-always-shine-brighter-then-the-darkness list.

It’s the little things in my crazy life that makes everything so very worth it.¬†

  • Having my siblings tell me that breakfast was awesome, cuddling with ze littles, having Amelia come up to me and give me a hug for no reason, laughing with dad over how Walmart must be communist because they didn’t carry his favorite brand of oreos.
  • Tiger cleaning the kitchen without being asked, as well as coming out of my evil lair one day this week (er school room) to find out that ze kiddies made lunch for everyone.
  • Finding out that I’m not allergic to cheese. I regret nothing. Cheese is awesome.
  • Getting sent the most encouraging e-mails from friends who know just what to say and listen to my petty problems and still love me.
  • GETTING AHEAD IN SCIENCE. It’s the best feeling ever to be *ahem* three lessons ahead. I still can’t believe I’m graduating in…..2014. O_O It’s so surreal….
  • The stars out here. They’re beautiful. I can’t even begin to describe¬†insignificant¬†life feels when you stand there staring at them. Plus taking Astrology (pfftttt why call it Astronomy? That’s BORING. It’s astrology people) this semester has really opened up a whole different world for me.
  • Nanny coming in nine days. NINE. I haven’t seen her in four years…I’m sooooo excited!
  • My library. They love me even though I check out twelve books at a time.

So there is my list of good things for today. What is your list of good things?

“you’ll never grab the wonderful with your feet on the ground”

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Yesterday Amelia Bedelia and I went out to our barn. We were climbing up in the rafters and jumping down into the hay. It was amazing. And probably as close to flying as I’ll ever get in my life.

Yet there was one point that I didn’t let go. I gripped the edges of the wood, got a splinter in my hand and rope burn on my wrist.

All because I held on too tight.

If I had just let go, jumped and trusted that the hay would catch me and keep me from getting hurt I wouldn’t have the burn on my wrist or had to remove a splinter.

It’s kind of funny how that happened and how much it connects to my crazy life right now. I have problems letting things go and just trusting that everything will be ok someday. I like to control my little infinity. I like to attempt to make everything perfect. And I fail at that. Epically I might add.

I’d be hurt less in life if I just let go. If I stopped holding on so tightly and trusted that the one who made the stars is holding my life in His hands.

the little girl i used to be

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One day I looked in the mirror and I no longer saw the little girl with crooked teeth, a faceful of freckles, messy auburn braids, and an armful of books.

Somehow along the way the little girl grew up. She lost her dreams and her eyes that used to shine so bright, didn’t shine anymore. She hid her freckles and insecurities behind a mask of makeup and hated the frizzy mess of waves on her head.

As I looked in the mirror I realized I didn’t like the girl I had become. I’d like to say I changed right then and there, but it took alot of lonely nights and tears to finally get the light back in my eyes.

My birthday was this past week. It was an amazing day filled with laughter, food, and hugs. I’m another year older, the little girl I used to be is long ago left behind in a world of technicolor rainbows, fairy-tales, stories about cowboys and Indians, and cotton candy clouds.

But I’m still me, I’m still that little girl with the bright eyes and great big dreams. I don’t look like a little girl anymore, but people have said that if you look close enough you can still see glimpses of the wild little thing who didn’t care what anyone thought, and ran through grassy fields screaming from the top of her lungs about how amazing and horrible life was all at once. (Wait…I still do that)

I don’t have a clue where I’m taking my life, what I’ll do, or where I’m going. I’d like to think I’m on my way to finding out though. It hasn’t been easy, but in all the ups and downs, the trials, wrong turns, and misadventures, I’ve found myself again.

It’s kind of funny how that works. How sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself.

This post really doesn’t have a point besides me rambling. Now, when I look in the mirror I see someone with scars and a girl with bright eyes who lost the mask of makeup and embraced her frizzy hair, because all of those things, every freckle-makes me, me.

And sometimes I kind of like me.

“Lights will guide you home and I will try to fix you”

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I just finished Out of Reach by Carrie Arcos and it was amazing. I had a funny feeling that I was going to love it when I first picked it up. And I was right. The story of a girl searching for her drug addicted brother tugged at my heartstrings so very much.

It was just amazing, Rachel had to let him go. She couldn’t hang unto her brother forever, because he had made his own choices and now he had to live with them. She couldn’t save or fix him.

I was tearing up and I could tear up now just thinking about the ending and certain parts of the book that were just so beautiful. The author put my thoughts and emotions into words. She made them real.

I’ve learned in life that sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, you have to let them go. You have to realize that you can’t save them. Because people make their own choices. We all screw up.

As much as I wish I could save people in my life, or saved. Depends on how you look at it…..I can’t. None of us can. Because saving people is something that only happens in the movies or a cliche-ridden romance novel.

Yes, we can lend a hand or help someone through a dark point. Yet at the same time (go ahead and call me hopeless) I really don’t think you can save someone. Because sometimes they have to suffer through the pain alone. We can’t take it away from them or make it better. No matter how much we wish or pray that we could.

This is their fight.
And we have to let them win it.
If they win they’ll come out stronger and a better person.
Or maybe they’ll lose.
Either way.
It’s their fight.
It’s not ours.
No matter how much we love them.

All we can do is love them through it all and cherish memories of the person that they used to be. We don’t have to love their choices or the things they do. We can just love the memories. And pray. Pray that one day it’ll be ok.