The List of Good Things

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I’m feeling eternally optimistic today. I can’t say the same for yesterday however, I was stressed and tired, but today. Today I am writing a list of good things that I am looking forward to.

I’m an OCD, ADHD, control freak. *coughs* I love my lists. I have TONS of them. I make lists for my chores, lists for my goals in life, and looooong to-do-lists that I follow religiously.

Therefore it only makes sense that I should have a list of good things. Of course, I have a few lists of horrible-just-plain-awful-renya-dupe-lists too. (Don’t ask about the renya dupe, it’s something from my fantasy world) BUT today is not a day for a list of horrible-just-plain-awful-renya-dupe-things. Today is a day for a life-is-amazing-and-the-stars-always-shine-brighter-then-the-darkness list.

It’s the little things in my crazy life that makes everything so very worth it. 

  • Having my siblings tell me that breakfast was awesome, cuddling with ze littles, having Amelia come up to me and give me a hug for no reason, laughing with dad over how Walmart must be communist because they didn’t carry his favorite brand of oreos.
  • Tiger cleaning the kitchen without being asked, as well as coming out of my evil lair one day this week (er school room) to find out that ze kiddies made lunch for everyone.
  • Finding out that I’m not allergic to cheese. I regret nothing. Cheese is awesome.
  • Getting sent the most encouraging e-mails from friends who know just what to say and listen to my petty problems and still love me.
  • GETTING AHEAD IN SCIENCE. It’s the best feeling ever to be *ahem* three lessons ahead. I still can’t believe I’m graduating in…..2014. O_O It’s so surreal….
  • The stars out here. They’re beautiful. I can’t even begin to describe insignificant life feels when you stand there staring at them. Plus taking Astrology (pfftttt why call it Astronomy? That’s BORING. It’s astrology people) this semester has really opened up a whole different world for me.
  • Nanny coming in nine days. NINE. I haven’t seen her in four years…I’m sooooo excited!
  • My library. They love me even though I check out twelve books at a time.

So there is my list of good things for today. What is your list of good things?

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“you’ll never grab the wonderful with your feet on the ground”

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Yesterday Amelia Bedelia and I went out to our barn. We were climbing up in the rafters and jumping down into the hay. It was amazing. And probably as close to flying as I’ll ever get in my life.

Yet there was one point that I didn’t let go. I gripped the edges of the wood, got a splinter in my hand and rope burn on my wrist.

All because I held on too tight.

If I had just let go, jumped and trusted that the hay would catch me and keep me from getting hurt I wouldn’t have the burn on my wrist or had to remove a splinter.

It’s kind of funny how that happened and how much it connects to my crazy life right now. I have problems letting things go and just trusting that everything will be ok someday. I like to control my little infinity. I like to attempt to make everything perfect. And I fail at that. Epically I might add.

I’d be hurt less in life if I just let go. If I stopped holding on so tightly and trusted that the one who made the stars is holding my life in His hands.

the little girl i used to be

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One day I looked in the mirror and I no longer saw the little girl with crooked teeth, a faceful of freckles, messy auburn braids, and an armful of books.

Somehow along the way the little girl grew up. She lost her dreams and her eyes that used to shine so bright, didn’t shine anymore. She hid her freckles and insecurities behind a mask of makeup and hated the frizzy mess of waves on her head.

As I looked in the mirror I realized I didn’t like the girl I had become. I’d like to say I changed right then and there, but it took alot of lonely nights and tears to finally get the light back in my eyes.

My birthday was this past week. It was an amazing day filled with laughter, food, and hugs. I’m another year older, the little girl I used to be is long ago left behind in a world of technicolor rainbows, fairy-tales, stories about cowboys and Indians, and cotton candy clouds.

But I’m still me, I’m still that little girl with the bright eyes and great big dreams. I don’t look like a little girl anymore, but people have said that if you look close enough you can still see glimpses of the wild little thing who didn’t care what anyone thought, and ran through grassy fields screaming from the top of her lungs about how amazing and horrible life was all at once. (Wait…I still do that)

I don’t have a clue where I’m taking my life, what I’ll do, or where I’m going. I’d like to think I’m on my way to finding out though. It hasn’t been easy, but in all the ups and downs, the trials, wrong turns, and misadventures, I’ve found myself again.

It’s kind of funny how that works. How sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself.

This post really doesn’t have a point besides me rambling. Now, when I look in the mirror I see someone with scars and a girl with bright eyes who lost the mask of makeup and embraced her frizzy hair, because all of those things, every freckle-makes me, me.

And sometimes I kind of like me.

My Week in Photos #1

I decided to start posting photos from my life every week. This week you mainly get faces and randomness. I had some photos I *thought* I liked, but they turned out to be utter evolitry so enjoy these.

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Seeing this adorable face every morning makes my life so imperfectly perfect.

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Filling notebook pages with doodles and words.

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My little shadows.

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We had some lovely 50 degree weather up here for a day before the blizzard hit. Now we currently have two feet of snow that I need to take pictures of…..

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We have a huge dining room table that has more then a few scratches on it. I like to think that it tells the story of memories that were made, pictures that were colored for mummy, apples that were chopped, quilts that were sewn, and messes that were made.

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Amelia being adorable as usual. This week we made a quilt for Nookie together. It’s not quite finished, but we had a blast. Then we redecorated our bedroom. Which I still need to take photos of…

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Moi. In all my messy glory. (And Kit-Kat looking adorable in the background. Actually…she’s the only reason I’m sharing this photo)

“Lights will guide you home and I will try to fix you”

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I just finished Out of Reach by Carrie Arcos and it was amazing. I had a funny feeling that I was going to love it when I first picked it up. And I was right. The story of a girl searching for her drug addicted brother tugged at my heartstrings so very much.

It was just amazing, Rachel had to let him go. She couldn’t hang unto her brother forever, because he had made his own choices and now he had to live with them. She couldn’t save or fix him.

I was tearing up and I could tear up now just thinking about the ending and certain parts of the book that were just so beautiful. The author put my thoughts and emotions into words. She made them real.

I’ve learned in life that sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, you have to let them go. You have to realize that you can’t save them. Because people make their own choices. We all screw up.

As much as I wish I could save people in my life, or saved. Depends on how you look at it…..I can’t. None of us can. Because saving people is something that only happens in the movies or a cliche-ridden romance novel.

Yes, we can lend a hand or help someone through a dark point. Yet at the same time (go ahead and call me hopeless) I really don’t think you can save someone. Because sometimes they have to suffer through the pain alone. We can’t take it away from them or make it better. No matter how much we wish or pray that we could.

This is their fight.
And we have to let them win it.
If they win they’ll come out stronger and a better person.
Or maybe they’ll lose.
Either way.
It’s their fight.
It’s not ours.
No matter how much we love them.

All we can do is love them through it all and cherish memories of the person that they used to be. We don’t have to love their choices or the things they do. We can just love the memories. And pray. Pray that one day it’ll be ok.

Scattered Bits and Pieces

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My writing is a scattered collection of memories and moments in my life. Most people won’t be able to tell what is real, what is purely fictional, or what are bits of my soul.

Yet as I write I can’t help but wonder if people will read it and be able to see deep into my soul. They’ll know my secret fears, who I love, who I despise, the dreams I’m sometimes too scared to utter, and my darkest thoughts.

Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember that most people will simply see my writing as words. They won’t know that bits and pieces of my stories are things that are all too real to me.

They won’t know I formed that tragic backstory out of the pain I felt when someone I loved left me in the dust. They won’t understand that my characters pain and tears are ones that I cried for a friend in need.

When you think about it, really only you will understand the things that you write about and why. Other people won’t understand or see through those dark moments that your characters pass through. Only you know. And those you choose to tell.

Really writing is an act of bravery. To bare your soul on paper, to bleed the whispers of your heart out unto a fresh document, or to simply form the words when you’re too afraid to speak your mind.

I’m a writer, a master of words, my craft is simply nothing more then bits of my soul formed into words. It’s just that simple, yet so complicated all at once.

~Bobbie

fear and i

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They tell you to follow your dreams, but only if it fits their mold of who and what they want you to be. They don’t own me though. I am not their puppet. This is not their life. My dreams are not their dreams and they never will be. They can’t decide my life for me and I can’t let them. It’s my choice and sometimes that scares me. What if I chose the wrong thing? I make a mistake and screw up my entire life?

Ah, but what if I risk the fall and learn to fly. What if? The question that I think plagues us all. This bittersweet question has more power then we realize. We are caught in a spinning hamster wheel going back and forth, trying to decide the lesser of the two evils. We refuse to allow ourselves to take risks because we are afraid.

Fear is such a cruel, cruel master. We say we are our own people, yet we let him control us. His chains will drag us out with the riptide and eventually pull us under if we let him.

We must bare our souls and let his chains fall away. We must kiss this cruel master goodbye otherwise we will never fly. Life is nothing without a little risk. We are wild, young and free. We have our whole lives ahead of us. Fear will not tame or control us. 

Written by me on January 5th, 2013.  Please don’t share or reproduce this without permission.

Hi (again)

Jumpy and Kitty.

Jumpy and Kitty.

So after some thought I decided that I’m going to make this a personal as well as photography blog instead of just my writing blog. I took down most of my old posts and re-did my about me page just so y’all know.

Anyhow, I’m excited to see how this goes. No doubt it’ll be an epic fail, but I’m going to give it a try! Lately life around here has been a blur of ups and downs.

  • My dad’s mum was admitted to the hospital after she took a bad fall. She’s doing quite well now, but gave us quite a scare.
  • Mum’s mum is coming down from Nova Scotia for THREE whole weeks in March. We’re all on top of the world about that. We haven’t seen her in four years, so it’ll be awesome to spend time with her again.  (Yes, my mum is Canadian. She moved down to the states when she married my dad. I’m actually both a Canadian and US citizen which is kind of awesome)
  • Farm season at my house is underway! Once the ground thaws we’ll be busy putting in fencing and a huge greenhouse. Right now we’ve been fixing our barn up for the coming season.
  • I’m making progress on Echo. It’s taking forever, but I think I *finally* have a good idea with where I’m taking it.
  • We discovered that I’m allergic to gluten. Which kind of cleared up the major health issues that have been going on with me for the past six months.
  • I got my 50mm lens last month. I know, I know, it’s a little thing to freak out over….BUT I’ve been having a blast playing around with it.
  • I’m…..um….almost a year away from graduation. That scares me sometimes, but it’s so exciting too.
  • Our town is covered in a blanket of snow at the minute. I’m dying for spring, but I won’t deny the snow is really pretty.

And now I shall leave you with something I wrote earlier this week:

But this is what happens when you lose someone; the numb feeling is gradually replaced by a bitter sense of longing and sadness. You eventually realize that they aren’t coming back and you couldn’t have changed fate anyhow. And after everything has fallen apart, there is nothing left to do except to keep on living as if they weren’t ripped away from you faster than a summer rainfall.

What’s new with you?

-Bobbie

The Next Big Thing Tag

My friend Katelyn tagged me and while I don’t usually do this type of stuff, I thought I’d help a friend out and have some fun in the process. 😉

Title: Echo

Where did the idea come from? One day I just started thinking and I saw this world in my head. I liked what I saw and the more I explored it? The more I fell in love. The characters and story just sort of came with it.

Genre: Speculative fantasy

Short Synopsis: Warren Bard is just a scarred boy with a monster inside of him that is slowly destroying himself and everything he loves. Ronnie Bard is a girl looking for love in the wrong places while trying to prove that she isn’t just another thing to be used. Zara is just caught in a web of lies and deception. She can’t to figure out whether to stand up to the people who have her in their clutches or to go on living the only life she has ever known.

In the end they are all destroying themselves. When they reach their breaking point can they change what has been written by the Fates? Or will they end up just another echo in their world?

How long did it take to write the first draft? The first (very crappy mind you) draft of Echo took about a month.

What other books in this genre compare? *cracks up* I have no clue. Echo is a big mess and a thorn in my foot, but I do love the world and story. I’m just trying to….fix it….

Agency Representation: Um none yet.

What actors would play your character in the movie version? You know….I never really thought about this, but I suppose I’d love the following if we are thinking big here……

characters

Tyler Posey has always reminded me of Warren in some ways, Emma Stone has Zara’s look perfectly, and Ronnie could be quite easily played by Vanessa Hudgens.

Who or what inspired this WIP? Many, many, many things. My own personal life and those of the ones I love, music, pinterest/tumblr, and just my own vivid imagination.

I tag whoever wants to do this. Thanks Katelyn! I had so much fun!